This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 124, Foster Care and Adoption–Worth It, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/foster-care-and-adoption-worth-it
A couple weeks ago, my husband and I attended the Replanted Conference. This was our third year joining with fellow foster, adoptive, safe families, kinship care parents for encouragement, teaching and community. I want to share a little of what I learned there.
This year, the theme was “worth it,” leaving the punctuation of that to us. We could say “worth it” with an exclamation point, or a question mark, with a period or even with an x at the end. We might even say it differently on the same day! Throughout the conference, various speakers presented their wrestling with whether or not what they have done or gone through has been worth it. We heard from various members of the foster and adoption community–the foster parents, adoptive parents, birth parents, former foster youth and adoptees.
Some really hard stories were shared–of loss, of abuse, of brokenness, of unmet expectations, of unrealized dreams. We all have or have had something hard in our lives, don’t we? One of the speakers, Jamie Finn, pointed out that we only really question if something is worth it because it is so hard.
I have had moments where I have questioned if what we were doing was worth it. There were times when the behavior was so big and seemed to dominate our home. When I felt lost in how to respond and I thought about how much easier life would be if we hadn’t said yes. There were times when the relationship was challenging and we didn’t seem to be connecting and I feared it would always be that way. Was it really worth it to keep someone in our home who didn’t fit in? There were times when I would watch beautiful interactions between our children and their birth parents and think that the separation wasn’t worth it. They should be with them, not us!
Those moments are hard. They have caused me to question the decisions we were making, and to question God in it all. Did we hear him correctly? Is this really what he has called us to? Is this really the plan that he had or are we messing it all up?
I have had other moments, many more moments, when I knew with certainty that it has and is worth it. When I have seen the child reunified and watched as the family continued to do well. When little hands embraced me fiercely and told me they loved me. When I think about what they had experienced in their other home and all the things that they would never, thankfully, have to experience again in our home. When, even when a child went back to a situation that was not ideal, I knew that they had a moment of reprieve in our house and that for that time they were safe and cared for. When I watch them growing and thriving and learning and realize that I get the privilege of walking alongside them as they do. When birth families tell me they are at peace and know that their child is safe and loved and doing well. When I feel God say, “yes, this is what I have for you.”
Jason Johnson, author and director with Christian Alliance for Orphans, was one of the speakers. If you haven’t had the pleasure of hearing him speak, look for a talk or podcast or something by him. He has such a powerful way of putting words together to get his message across. I kind of don’t even want to quote him because I can’t do him justice. Anyway, in his discourse on worth it he said that worth is not determined by what we receive or achieve but what we are giving ourselves over to. And he pointed us to Hebrews 11. Not just the parts of great victory and big answered prayers, but the harder section that we like to skip over. The one that says, “Others experienced mockings and scourgings, as well as bonds and imprisonment. They were stoned, they were sawed in two, they died by the sword, they wandered about in sheepskins, in goatskins, destitute, afflicted, and mistreated. The world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and on mountains, hiding in caves and holes in the ground.” You look at that and think, that sounds awful! I would never want to do that. But the picture is bigger than what they experienced.
The chapter ends with, “All these were approved through their faith, but they did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, so that they would not be made perfect without us.”
It wasn’t about what they received or achieved but what they were giving themselves to–a life of faith and devotion to an all-powerful and ever-loving God that has even better things in store for them. Jason said, “through our suffering we are receiving gifts we would not have received otherwise.” How often do we stop and think of the gifts coming out of our suffering? Not the suffering itself, but what God does in and through us as a result of that suffering. Actually, as I am saying this I am reminded of our Parenting in Scripture episode last month where we talked about some of the verses in the Bible that highlights some of those gifts. This is clearly a message that God wants us to hear.
Jamie Finn, author of Foster the Family and the devotional Filled, also spoke at the conference, as I mentioned earlier. She talked about how our “why,” meaning our reason for doing what we are doing, can’t be circumstantial. It must be theological. Why are you a foster parent? Why did you choose to adopt? Why are you still reaching out to that birth parent? Why are you fighting for your child to have access to services? Why are you staying in the room when the screaming and hitting begins? Jason called us to look at the big picture of our faith and working for the Lord. Jamie pointed to the specific aspects of that life that inform our why.
Children are worth it. Families are worth it. God is worth it. But God is not worth it separate from the children and families. They are actually worth it because of him. He created children in his image. He loves them dearly and he calls us to love them as well. “There is nothing that robs even an ounce of their divine worth,” Jamie said. God also created the family unit. He made it part of his divine plan from the first family in the Garden of Eden. He wants us to value the family, to care for the family, to see himself in the family. And all that matters because he himself is worth it. He is God after all. Do we truly believe that? If so, Romans 12:1 calls us to give our bodies as a living sacrifice. That is “holy and pleasing” to God. Paul’s call is the same call that Christ gave when he said to take up our cross and follow him. Jamie said, “As I take up my cross and follow Jesus, he leads me to the people he cares for.”
Who has he led you to? Who is he inviting you to care for? Who is he asking you to continue caring for? It is worth it because he declares it so. It is worth it because following him always is. It is worth it because he himself is worth it all.
I could end there. With the pep talk of why it is worth it. But I want to acknowledge the struggle to live in these spaces even when we know how worth it it is. The foster and adoptive life can be so hard as we acknowledged earlier. I don’t know what your story is. I don’t know if you would use the exclamation point, period, question mark or x. I don’t know what loss and grief and pain and trauma and challenge you are walking in. I do know that God hears when we cry to him. He doesn’t shove our pain aside or tell us to suck it up. He doesn’t say, “well you chose this life so deal with it.” He doesn’t minimize or excuse it. He hears us. He comforts and mends and redeems and restores.
Father God, I pray that you would be with each mama listening wherever they are at. You made her. She bears your image. You prepared good works for her and she is seeking to walk in them. The road is not always, or often easy, and the burden feels heavy. I pray that you would make her paths straight to you. That you would lift her burdens and replace them with yours which you say are so light. In the morning hours when the thought of a new day is overwhelming, bring hope and strength. In the afternoon hours when the chaos is great and the hours are few, bring peace to her body and wisdom for her interactions. In the darkness of night when fears and worries and shame threaten to overtake her, bring your truth, your peace and your rest. May she know your presence moment by moment and find the grace to do what you have called her to.
Lyssa Stoyko 