This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 34, “I Am Not Ashamed Of My Child”, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/i-am-not-ashamed-of-my-child
It was about three weeks into the school year that the teachers started contacting me. It was my eldest son’s first year of school, preschool, the three year-old class. In the course of a week, he went from being a carefree toddler to participating in preschool, AWANA at our church, and tball. It was a big transition for all of us. My mama heart squeezed at the realization that he was growing up.
I was also curious. For a couple of years, my husband and I had been watching our son, making notes of behaviors and interactions that seemed a little different from other kids we’ve interacted with, and from our other children as they got older. We weren’t sure if there was a sensory or cognitive processing issue, if he just had extra big emotions and reactions, or if it was merely personality. Part of me was curious to hear what his teachers might observe and recommend.
As much as I wanted to know their thoughts, it was very hard for me when I was talked to by his preschool teacher, AWANA teacher and tball coach all in the same week. They brought confirmation that what he struggled with was real and that what we had been wondering about was valid. That was helpful.
But it was also difficult.
I suddenly felt as though my child was the problem child in the classroom and on the team. I started to feel as though I needed to apologize for him and his behavior. I became insecure, embarrassed, ashamed. Instead of walking into the AWANA room excited to pick him up, I would walk in apprehensive about what he would be doing and what their facial expressions might tell me about him. I found myself putting new rules in place to manage him, to reign him in, to minimize the behaviors as best I could.
This went on for a couple of weeks and it was exhausting. It frustrated him and me. The issues seemed to get worse and not better.
Then I started to hear God. He reminded me of how amazing my son is. I saw his strengths. He was growing and trying. We laughed together. I heard him learning his verses and singing songs to God. I watched as he played with his siblings, creating, pretending, working together, and making them laugh too. God highlighted the beauty in my son.
My son was not someone to be ashamed of. He was someone to be loved, encouraged and celebrated.
Yes, he has areas that are harder for him than other kids his age. He has extra big emotions, some sensory issues, some cognitive processing challenges, and hard behavior that comes from all of that. That just means that he has a lot of learning to do, and what child doesn’t have a lot of learning to do?
We can be so quick to judge a child and label them as bad, difficult, rebellious, or disobedient when they present differently than other kids.
I also think that we often put the responsibility of a child’s behavior, attitude and emotions on the parent. We judge the parent for the tantrum, the hyperactivity, the inconvenient behavior. Or at least as parents we feel that we are being judged.
Neither of those judgements do anyone any good.
Judging the child that way misses underlying issues and opportunities for growth. We give up on them and only try to minimize the negative, rather than calling out the positives, the potential that is in each one of us. We start to catastrophize, projecting despair onto their futures.
Judging the parent creates a dynamic of insecurities and overwhelming pressure that prompts parents to discipline in ways that are unhelpful and self-centered. Rather than focusing on what their child truly needs, the pressured parent begins to focus on what other people will approve of, what will help them look good and not be judged any more.
That is what was happening with me until God stepped in and told me to stop it.
I stopped being ashamed of my child and started advocating for him. I talked with my husband about some of the challenge areas and we put together plans for how to best help our son. We made suggestions to the AWANA leaders to make the situation a more successful one for him. We enrolled him in occupational therapy. We created a space in our home to meet his sensory needs. We snuggled him, laughed with him, played with him and told him the great things that we see in him. We took off the labels and simply saw him as our child, and we loved him for that.
Here we are a year later. His teachers tell us how well he is doing in the classroom. His AWANA leaders can see a difference between last year and this year, and so can we. He is learning to manage his body and his emotions. He is working hard at following directions, playing well with others, and learning Bible verses. He sets things firmly down on the floor rather than throwing them. He uses his words to talk about what he is thinking and feeling.
Not always. Each day has its challenges to be sure, but he is moving forward step by step. I see his potential more and more. I see the beauty in him. I see the good he is doing now. And I thank God for him.
I am not going to apologize for who he is. I am going to hold him accountable for his behavior. I’m going to teach him and guide him in the ways that he needs, just as I am with my other children. I am going to celebrate his growth. I am going to speak words of life over him. I am going to call him to be who God created him to be.
He is my son, and he is fearfully and wonderfully made.
Can you relate to this at all? Are you the parent being talked to by the teachers? Do you wonder what is going to become of your child given the current state of their struggles and behavior? Do you find yourself looking around, evaluating what other people are thinking about your family? Those are hard places to be in. Sometimes it seems that we are in the trenches and there is no joy to be found in our family or parenting. This reminds me a bit of Hagar when she was despairing in the wilderness. She feared her son would die and she could not bear to watch it happen, so she left him under a bush and went a good distance away to cry. When we are feeling overwhelmed, confused, frustrated or ashamed of our child’s struggles, we might want to pull away in despair and self-protection.
God calls to us as he did to Hagar, telling us not to give up. As long as there is breath in our lungs, in our children’s lungs, he is working in us and in them. He is the master potter, molding and shaping us into the people he created us to be. In his power, he can use even the weak, broken, challenging bits of us for his glory and our good. Remember that when your child is struggling. God can and will use that to teach your child, shaping him or her as he desires.
Seek God in the hard. Seek him for yourself and for your children. Choose to put aside fear, worry, and shame about your children and to put on faith, hope and love instead. You might need outside help from social workers, occupational therapists, counselors, or doctors. That is ok. Do what you need to do for you and your children to thrive.
There is one thing that we can all do today…All of our children, whether they are struggling or not, benefit from being reminded of who they are in Christ, and of how uniquely he has made them. All of our children appreciate hearing the good and the growth that we see in them. Start with the phrase, “Hey, I noticed…” and then tell them what you noticed about them. You don’t even need to follow it up with words of praise after. The simple act of being noticed for who they are and what they are doing is enough to encourage our children. Take a moment today to look for the beauty that is in your children, and tell them what you see. You will both be encouraged by that practice.
Lyssa Stoyko 