This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 163, “Parenting in Scripture–A Trustworthy Shelter”, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/parenting-in-scripture-a-trustworthy-shelter
The other week, as we were getting the kids ready for bed, one of them lost it. What should have been the end of my parenting for that night became the beginning of verbal rage fest. I had no idea what started it. But mean, angry, hurtful statements poured from their lips. In the beginning, I tried to respond, to redirect, to empathize, but I quickly realized that they were way too far gone. The emotions needed space and so I did my best to give that space.
It is very hard to stand near someone and listen to the terrible things that they are saying and not respond. Not simply not respond, but not be drawn into their emotions. I knew that I wanted to be present. I knew that eventually all the anger and anxiety would give way and we’d be able to talk again, to work through it, to reconcile. I also knew I couldn’t speed up the process. All I could do was stand there and take care of myself during it so I could be there for them after.
My thoughts were racing. It was a ping pong of fear and anger based responses and grace-filled truths. How dare they say something like that?! They are just angry. They don’t mean it. Oh my goodness, they are headed to jail for sure or the psych ward. No, they are not. They are a sweet child who is having a hard time. It is going to be ok. I can’t stand here and listen to this! Yes, I can. God’s here with me. Take a deep breath.
So I did. Breathing in, breathing out, saying Jesus name over and over in my head as a prayer I couldn’t put words to, for a minute, then five, then ten, then I lost count. And he enabled me to stay. To see it through. And we ended the night snuggling in bed, with me scratching their back as they drifted off to sleep.
I wish I could say that I am always able to be present like that. I wish I could say that I never react in anger or that I never respond from fear. I can’t. The difference between those times and the one I described for you is where I put my focus, my trust, during the situation.
Psalm 91:1-2 says, “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust.”
Ruth Chou Simons wrote a devotional on this passage in her book Gracelaced, asking us to consider where we choose to take shelter. Standing there with my dysregulated child, I am confronted with that question. I could take shelter in my bedroom and leave my child to themselves. I could take shelter in my power as a parent and as an adult and try to squash the situation. I could take shelter in a fantasy and start dreaming of the perfect child I could have had. I could take shelter in my angry thoughts, letting them run away with themselves and saying all the things in my head that I wish I could say outloud. I could do that. I have done that before. But God calls us to himself instead.
Let’s step out of that tense situation into more of an everyday one. What are some things that you are tempted to take shelter in? A clean house, your workplace, a calm environment, obedient children? “Brick and mortar, pillows and throws, swept floors and quiet children…our physical environment was never intended to be our true refuge,” Ruth writes. “Turn instead to the unshakeable, steady, and strong shelter of our Savior…” (pg. 16 of Gracelaced).
When we turn something into a shelter that was never intended to be, we will find ourselves frustrated and discouraged, angry and hopeless when they fail us, as they are likely to do. And when it comes to parenting, we will find ourselves responding to our children’s behaviors, messes, struggles, needs from the wrong place. One of the grace-filled truths that Connected Families says is, “I can be ok even when my child is not ok.” How? By not seeking the shelter of our children’s okayness but by seeking the shelter of God’s goodness.
I do not like when my child rages. I do not like standing and listening to all the mean, angry, and hurtful statements that pour from their lips. I do not like when all of my children are talking to me at the same time. I do not like when they are arguing with each other. I do not like when my counters are a mess and there are toys all over the floor and I don’t know what to make for dinner.
I want calm, clean, orderly, obedient, happy everything. I really do.
And when I don’t get it, I can let that destroy my mood, my reactions, my behavior, or I can remind myself that I am still safe, I am still ok, there is still good to be found, because the Lord is my refuge and fortress, my God in whom I trust. He is yours too. May you dwell in his shelter this week.
References: Gracelaced by Ruth Chou Simons
Lyssa Stoyko 