This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 144, Parenting in Scripture–Authority to Build Up, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/parenting-in-scripture-authority-to-build-up
There’s something I need to preach to myself, if you all care to listen in. Some Parenting in Scripture episodes are so fun to work on because they are based on scriptures that offer incredible encouragement and hope. Some are harder because I’m sharing what the Lord has been convicting me of, which means it’s an area that I’ve been struggling in. This is one of those.
If you will recall, a couple months ago I did an episode on Valentine’s Day, or what, in our family, we call Love Day. We looked at the story in the gospels of Jesus washing his disciples feet. He humbled himself to do a servant’s job, he who was perfect and holy and worthy of our service to him. The passage found in John 13 prefaces the washing of the feet and all that would follow with Christ’s death and resurrection by saying, “Jesus knew that the Father had given everything into his hands, that he had come from God, and that he was going back to God.” (13:3) He was so confident in who he was, so secure in his position and authority, that he could do such a menial task without fear or insecurity. For him, the act was one of teaching, of modeling and the fact that he had the authority that he did made it all the more powerful of a lesson.
Authority is a common parenting topic. Getting our kids to respect our authority in particular. We put a lot of effort into that, don’t we? But I don’t think that is actually the most important aspect of authority that we should be discussing. Increasingly for me, and what we will be looking at in scripture today, is how we live from our authority, how we use it, how we act because of it. Because that is what I am accountable to God for–my actions and my attitudes, how I used the authority that he gave me.
You see, he is the one who gives parents authority over their children. Sometimes I feel like I have to prove my authority, or fight for it, but I don’t. It has been given to me by the Lord. I can be secure in my position and authority because of that. My lifelong work is to learn how to parent as he calls me to.
We have talked before on Moms Take Ten about the apostle Paul and how he frequently used parent/child terminology when writing to the churches. So, it comes as no surprise that he has something to say about this topic. In the book of 2 Corinthians, he speaks of his authority. There were many who had been questioning it, as you see throughout the epistles. Who is he that he should be teaching? Why should they believe his word? What right has he to say the things that he does? Each time Paul points to God as the source of his authority. And in 2 Corinthians he says something about what his authority is for, which I think speaks to us as parents so deeply. In both chapter ten verse eight, and chapter 13 verse ten he says that his authority is for building the believers up, not for tearing them down.
For building believers up. Some translations say for their edification, or for helping them, or to make them stronger. Larry Pierce of the Online Bible puts it this way: “the act of one who promotes another’s growth in Christian wisdom, piety, happiness and holiness.” Can you think of someone who used their authority in such a way in your own life? Didn’t it make you feel safe and cared for? And also helped you grow, even flourish?
If I’m honest, that isn’t always my goal in parenting. I might say, “I want them to learn self-control” but really I want my things protected and my house to look presentable. I might say, “I want them to learn to share and get along with their siblings” but really I want them to stop crying and to have a calmer household. I might say, “I want them to learn responsibility” but really I just want things to be easier for me. I can masquerade my desires under the guise of goals for my kids. The goals themselves aren’t bad. It is good for them to learn self-control and to share and to be responsible. But when my focus isn’t really on that but on what I get out of it, I parent in a very different way. I can attempt to soothe my overwhelmed body by managing my children. I can protect myself from feeling helpless by grabbing for control. I can get easily frustrated when they don’t just get it. I can power up to get my way. I start to use my authority in a way that tears them down because I’m showing that their needs don’t really matter as much as mine do. I’m less likely to hear their side of things. I’m less patient to guide them to do what I’m asking. I’m more focused on quick fixes and immediate compliance.
Parenting to build up looks vastly different from that. Have you ever sat with your child and created this beautifully intricate magna-tiles building only to have them destroy it in seconds? That’s the difference in these parenting approaches. Tearing down takes a lot less time than building up does. Growth in wisdom, piety, happiness and holiness is a lifelong process. And parenting in a way that builds up requires intentionality, thoughtfulness, self-control and patience on our part.
Paul wrote of this to Titus when he was describing the qualifications of an elder. He said, “He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined” (Titus 1:7-8). This lines up with how Paul repeatedly urged believers to live throughout his letters. One verse that my kids and I have memorized is Colossians 3:12 which says, “Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience”. It is not uncommon for us to start adding in other fruits of the Spirit when we are quoting it, like love, joy, peace, goodness, faithfulness and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). Authority that builds up is authority rooted in relationship with the Lord and demonstrating the fruit of the Spirit.
Building up includes connecting with our kids, encouraging them, and celebrating their successes. It also includes addressing their misbehavior, teaching them what is right and good, and even giving consequences that help them learn and grow. As you read through Paul’s letters you hear him doing all those things. He says some hard things to the Corinthian church. That’s why he reminds them of his heart, of his purpose. He says that he is doing it to build them up. He wants them to grow in their faith! He wants them to live fully in the life God has called them to. And he uses the authority God has given him to help them do that.
So, when we speak to our kids, we speak words of life, of truth in love. Words that are “only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear” as Paul says in Ephesians 4:29.
When we teach our kids something it is to be for their benefit, not ours (though we definitely experience some of the blessing!). And we think about how to do that so they can best receive and learn what we are sharing.
When we discipline our kids, it isn’t to punish or make them fear or to make them pay for what they did wrong. It is to guide them to reconciliation and help them discover the wonders of God’s grace and forgiveness.
And when we don’t use our authority well, we can confess that to God and our children, and receive their mercy and grace. We can do a do-over. We can repair. We can get up and try again with the help of the Spirit.
It is amazing, and humbling, to think of the impact we can and are having in the lives of our children. These little and not so little ones are so dear to him, and he gives us authority so that we can build them up.
Lyssa Stoyko 