This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 107, Parenting in Scripture–Do Not Withhold Good, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/parenting-in-scripture-do-not-withhold-good
I have been struggling in my parenting lately. I have felt more negative, less fun, more tired. Some of the Connected Families coaches are reading through the book Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen and as he describes ways parents can interact with their kids I keep thinking, “man, I am not like that at all!” One of the words that has been coming out of my mouth a lot has been “no.” No, no no.
Sitting in my bed one evening this week, I was reading my Bible. I honestly felt a bit lost as to where to read so I went with the failsafe Proverbs-of-the-day. It was April 3rd so I read Proverbs 3rd. Whew. What a chapter! It begins with a reminder to listen to wise people and follow their teaching. Then it ties that to the wisest one of all, the Lord, and how good it is when we trust him. Solomon then expounds on the happiness, the benefits, that come from wisdom. This is a good thing that he is calling his son to! And then he starts to teach what wise interactions with others can look like. Wisdom benefits us individually, and it also benefits us relationally.
Though I have read this passage before, I was struck by it that evening and it has stayed with me since. Verse 27 of Proverbs chapter 3 says, “When it is in your power, don’t withhold good from the one to whom it belongs.” Verse 28 continues, “Don’t say to your neighbor, ‘Go away! Come back later. I’ll give it tomorrow’–when it is there with you.” Don’t withhold good. When you have it, give it. The Message paraphrase puts it like this, “Never walk away from someone who deserves help; your hand is God’s hand for that person.”
My nos were a repeated withholding from my children. Not every no, of course. Sometimes we need to say no. But often, at least for me but I venture for you as well, we can say no without really thinking about it or without really needing to. Unless we are intentionally thinking about this, we are often not practicing it.
Just yesterday, my daughter and I were getting in the car to pick up the boys from school. It had been a rainy, chilly day. Typical early spring weather. And as we were moving towards the car, she saw her umbrella hanging up. “Oh! I can bring my umbrella!” she said happily. “No, just leave it,” I said. Why did I say no? Well, I had been considering leaving her in the car while I grabbed the boys because she had forgotten to put pants under her dress and I thought she’d get too cold. I have also seen her carry an umbrella and she is far from safe with it! With everyone around, I didn’t want to have to manage it. And I looked out of the garage and it wasn’t raining anymore so we didn’t need it.
Those reasons make sense, right? It’s not needed, it could be unsafe, just forget it. But really, I could have said yes. In the whole scheme of things, it was an easy yes that would have delighted her. Instead, I said no. Because it is what I’m used to saying. Because it was easier for me to say it. Because I did.
Another example happened this morning. Things did not go as planned as I headed down the stairs to get the boys’ breakfast. My husband was sleeping on the couch because my cough had been keeping him up at night. I wanted to help him sleep a little longer but my efforts to move and help my boys resulted in each of them melting down over different things. One sat right next to my husband’s sleeping head and screamed and screamed. The other’s cries echoed through the entire kitchen and living room while he stomped his foot in disappointment. And I felt like the world’s worst parent. Shame kicked in and I locked down. Several minutes and two calm kids later, my husband came up to give me a hug. I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want to touch him. I didn’t want to talk to him. I withheld myself from him.
There are so many ways and so many reasons that we withhold good from those around us. And we and they miss out because of it. We miss out on fun. On connection. On helping. On healing even.
The Message paraphrase said that our hand is God’s hand for that person. So, let’s think about how God is with us. What is his heart bent towards us? I think that all of scripture really demonstrates God’s generosity towards his children and his desire to give good things to us beginning with the creation of this world and all the wonderfulness that is here for us to enjoy and ending with the even greater wonderfulness that will exist in the new heaven and new earth.
Jesus told the multitude listening to him during his sermon on the mount, “Ask, and it will be given to you. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Who among you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him.” (Matt. 7:7-11)
Psalm 84:11 says, “For the Lord God is a sun and shield. The Lord grants favor and honor; he does not withhold the good from those who live with integrity.”
James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. By his own choice, he gave us birth by the word of truth so that we would be a kind of first fruits of his creatures.”
God is such a wonderful giver of good. At a birthday party, he’d be the one to bring the best gift each time. He wants to give good to us. He delights in doing so. Those gifts build connection with us. They teach us to trust that he does have our good in mind and that he loves us. Those gifts help us feel known and cared for and safe. He invites us to experience the same with those around us by not withholding good from them. Continuing his discourse in Matthew 7:12, Jesus added, “Therefore, whatever you want others to do for you, do also the same for them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” He turned it from what God does for us, to what we should do for each other because of that.
The point of our verses in Proverbs, and this conversation, isn’t to say yes every single time to every single request that you receive. God doesn’t do that with us. As a parent that would be impossible, exhausting and could cause chaos because some of their requests contradict each other! Rather, it is about our heart and our actions towards others. Are we saying no intentionally because of the good it will bring to them or are we saying it because it is easier or more convenient or because we just didn’t even think about it?
I was listening to the podcast Empowered to Connect and they put it like this, “Say yes when you can and no when you need to.” There are times when we will need to say no. Not necessarily because the thing that they are asking for isn’t good, but because there is a need for a different good, maybe a greater good. It isn’t bad that a child wants to sit up and read another book with you at bed time, but you know the greater good is for them to go to sleep and get their rest for school.
The point is to say yes when you can. When it is in your power to.
What good have you been withholding from your family? Maybe it is something consistent like your presence, your affection, your time, or maybe there are moments throughout the day when you say no a bit too quickly, a bit too automatically. Take note as you are going throughout your day and see if there is a yes you could slip in instead.
I wish I had caught myself with my daughter and said yes to the umbrella instead. You know, contrary to what some might say or think, parents are allowed to change their minds. Especially as we are learning something knew, or changing our patterns of interactions, we need the do-overs. We need to give ourselves space to say, “You know what, I said that no too quickly. I have had time to think about it now and I think it is a great idea to bring your umbrella!”
Lyssa Stoyko 