This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 78, The Connected Families Framework–You Are Responsible, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/the-connected-families-framework-you-are-responsible
Welcome back to our miniseries on the Connected Families Framework. This week we focus on what most parents want to discuss from the beginning—correction. How do we handle our child’s misbehavior?
Chad, a Connected Families’ staff member said, “Behind misbehaviors is a God-given talent being used selfishly, sinfully or immaturely.” Last week we discussed the idea of gifts gone awry. If you didn’t listen to that episode, I encourage you to do so! It is a really powerful way to think about our children’s behaviors and potential. This week, I want to talk about the second half of his sentence: “being used selfishly, sinfully or immaturely.” The reality is, that not all of our children’s misbehavior requires our intervention with imposed consequences, or discipline as it is typically discussed. Some of the misbehavior is coming out of dysregulated bodies, a poorly expressed need or a lack of skill.
One of the ways that Connected Families has impacted my parenting is by changing my thinking from “I need to discipline or I’m letting them get away with it” to “What is needed in this moment?” Can you imagine if every time you sinned, God smacked your hand? Every angry word spoken, every time you drove too fast or didn’t stop at the stop sign, every time you spoke poorly of someone, or were greedy or proud or selfish or doubted was met with a swift rebuke and a divinely given consequence? So often, that is our mentality towards our children.
God does discipline those he loves, yes. We will talk about that. There is also story after story in scripture where he responds in an incredibly gentle, merciful, gracious way. When the disciples were arguing over who was the greatest, Jesus could have come down hard on them for their arrogance and fighting, just as we might in cases of sibling conflict. Instead, he taught them. Correction is the smallest part of the framework because Connected Families found that much of a child’s misbehavior is resolved through connection and coaching.
The hope is that as we grow in the other three areas, situations will be diffused, kids will grow in their abilities to make better choices, and we won’t have to devote as much time to giving consequences. The reality, though, is that even if we do everything perfectly, our kids will still choose to misbehave or to sin. That is when we lean on the fourth message: Child, you are responsible for your actions. In this area, the goal is to grow their wisdom with the consequences we give. We want to give consequences that are restorative (of both the situation and of the child) as opposed to punitive (simply meant to punish).
Connected Families points to Galatians 6:1 as a guide. This verse says, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in a transgression, you who are spiritual (or who live by the Spirit) should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.” The emphasis here is on restoring the person, bringing them back to a right way of being and living. The caution is that we do it in a way that honors God. It says, “in a spirit of gentleness.”
Have you ever yelled at your kids to stop yelling? The irony of it never ceases to amaze me even as I am guilty of doing it over and over again. I fall so easily into sin even as I try to correct my children’s, though sometimes my sin is a bit more refined or done under the guise of parenting. This is why the work of the first two messages is so important. As we grow in being a safe person for our children and intentionally loving them no matter what, we can enter moments of coaching and correction with the right heart motive and with gentleness.
Parents often want a formula when it comes to correction. I know that is what I have looked for in the past and still long for often. If my child does this, then I do this, which results in this. A plus b equals c. Parenting isn’t that straight forward though. There are so many different factors to consider: age, development, trauma or other special considerations, personality, learning style, etc. There isn’t a one size fits all type of response, especially because what we are really talking about is the heart of our child. Here’s a quote from Connected Families that I really like:
“Consequences are more than just changing behavior. They are about shaping a heart and growing our kid’s understanding of God’s great forgiveness and reconciliation of us to himself. If we miss the opportunity to help link God’s grace and forgiveness in misbehavior, we are missing the opportunity to share the gospel with our children.”
Does that sound different from how you typically approach correction? It definitely does for me. Typical consequences, those that are focused on punishment, are more often focused on changing behavior, or at least stopping the behavior. They assign the parent the responsibility for making their kids do what is right. Typical consequences also meet a need that we as parents have: to feel as though we have done something in the face of the misbehavior. A common toxic belief of parents, myself included, is “If I don’t do something about this, I’m failing. They will never change. Things will just get worse and it will all be my fault.”
Restoration consequences draw on the grace-filled truth that it is the Holy Spirit’s job to change hearts and minds, not mine. I am not in control of my child or their choices, but I can come alongside and show them a different way. We then choose consequences that will teach them and help them make things right. We want to engage and empower our children throughout this process by using questions and getting their input.
If a misbehavior leads to a natural impact, allow the child to feel that. Think about Jesus kneeling in the sand before the adulterous woman. She had to have been feeling the natural impact of her choices (not to mention the incredible humiliation that she had been put through by the men) and Jesus let that be enough. He spoke lovingly to her and also encouraged her to move forward in a different way. Let the natural impact lead our children to an opportunity to make it right. Then celebrate with them!
Sometimes, the natural impact is minimal and does not move the child towards wisdom building or making things right. In those cases, we can impose a restoration consequence. It takes more time and creativity to give restoration consequences than typical consequences. And one of the big differences is that these consequences might even be enjoyed by our child. The goal is not pain, it is to restore, and restoring feels good. We also might not be ready to give a restoration consequence in the moment. We might need time to think about it, or we might want to include our children in the process.
Going back to Jesus’ example, we see a prime restoration consequence in his interaction with Peter. As Jesus was on the beach, following his resurrection, there were many things he could have said to Peter about his behavior. Peter had lied, feared man over God, and betrayed Jesus with his denial of him. Jesus let him make it right by answering the question, “Do you love me?” There was restoration happening in Peter’s heart and in their relationship in that interaction.
There was a time when one of my sons spoke unkindly to his sister. His restoration consequence, that he came up with, was to make a video apologizing to her and speaking kind words over her. Another time, my son was struggling with being respectful to me. His restoration consequence was to help me make dinner so we could have time for connection and for him to practice speaking with respect.
There are going to be times when our children are not ready emotionally to make things right. We don’t have to force it! All of us can empathize with the need to get our hearts and minds ready to do something when we’ve been feeling angry, frustrated, hurt, embarrassed, etc. Giving our children space is so honoring to them and their process. When this happens, our child can experience a delay of privilege in order to help them prioritize what really matters, which is restoration. This idea comes from Matthew 5:23-24 which says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” We want our kids to learn that making things right is so important, and that it actually feels good to fix things. We can support their learning by delaying privileges.
When they do make it right, we get to celebrate! We get to celebrate what they are learning, the choices they made, and the restored relationship or situation. What a joy for us to see them growing in wisdom and relationship. What a joy for them to be back in right relationship.
In all of these, we can be highlighting God’s love, grace and forgiveness. We can talk about how much God cares about them and their heart. We can remind them of what Christ did on the cross to restore relationship with them. We can point them to the love of Christ that enables them to love others. We can celebrate the work of Christ in their lives as they take responsibility for their actions.
Our time has come to an end. Hopefully this helps you better understand this top layer of the framework, and gives you some things to think about as you approach correction with your children. If you want to learn more about this framework and have a place to ask questions and dialogue with others who are learning, I encourage you to check out the upcoming Discipline that Connects course from Connected Families. I did it a year ago and it was so good! My parent coaching services are opening up in September and that is another great way to dive into the framework and grow in your parenting. Visit my website to learn more!
Lyssa Stoyko 