This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 77, The Connected Families Framework–You are Called and Capable, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/the-connected-families-framework-you-are-called-and-capable
So far in this series on the Connected Families framework we have discussed the foundational message, “Child, you are safe with me” and the connection message, “Child, you are loved no matter what.” Both of those messages cultivate a curiosity towards what is going on inside of us as a parent and inside our children. For us to convey those two messages well, we have some work to do as parents in addressing our thoughts and managing our responses to our children. The next two messages now focus on growing skills and responsibilities in our children.
Message 3 says, “Child, you are called and capable.” There’s a verse that we have talked about a few times over the past couple months here on Moms Take Ten: “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10. Our children were made by the creator of the universe and he has good things planned for them. We get to join God in his work in their lives. That is an amazing and humbling responsibility. God’s intentional design of each of our children means that we can find and build strengths in our children, even in their misbehavior.
Chad, a Connected Families coach and trainer said, “Behind misbehaviors is a God-given talent being used selfishly, sinfully or immaturely.” Before we talk about the selfishly, sinfully or immaturely part of that sentence next week, let’s soak in what he said first. “Behind misbehaviors is a God-given talent.” Connected Families calls this the “gift gone awry.” Misbehavior requires skill. As parents, we get to look at what our kids are doing and consider what it would look like if they took that skill and used it for God’s glory instead. We then get to coach them to use that skill appropriately.
This is so hard. For me at least. I hear the whining and my skin starts to crawl. My child starts to argue back and my face goes hot. Far too often, all I can see or hear is the misbehavior. As we grow in the first two messages of safety and unconditional love, we learn to show our children grace in the hard moments and to give ourselves the time we need to gain the right perspective on the situation. Notice the words grow and learn in that sentence. This is a process, friends. We are not going to get this right overnight, or even in the next month. And we will never ever do it perfectly. We are a work in progress. And that right there is a grace-filled truth that we need to keep in mind for ourselves as well as for our children.
Connected Families has an article that includes a list of twelve common misbehaviors and their possible strengths. Here is one of their examples:
Arguing/backtalk. A child who regularly argues back is honest, confident and has strong feelings/opinions. Those strengths, when used well, can result in authentic, connected relationships and the ability to handle conflict. What the child is lacking is empathy, self-control or conflict resolution skills.
Here’s what this can sound like in conversation. When your child says, “You are so mean mama! You poopy face. I don’t like you.” Just saying that activates my angry parent mode. Instead of giving free reign to that mode, we can take a breath and say, “Wow, you really feel strongly about this. Can you try that again with respect?” Whether they can say it calmly right away or need to take a few minutes to do so, give them space and then affirm the change you saw in them. “That was really respectful. I can hear you better now.”
I know, I know. I can hear some of you muttering under your breath, “But what if they never speak respectfully?! And what should I do about what they already said?!” Next week is about correction. Hang with me.
Before we get there, can we stop and dream about our children for a minute? Let’s dream about the kind of grade schoolers, teenagers, college students or adults we hope they will be, the character we hope they will display.
Here are some of the dreams that I have for my children. When they see a child being bullied, they will stick up for them. When the peer pressure is strong, they will have the courage to say no. When they give a presentation at work, they will speak with confidence. When they disagree with a coworker or teammate, they will present their views with respect. When their faith is questioned, they will be unwavering in their convictions. When someone is struggling, they will respond in compassion and gentleness. When everyone around them is bored, they will create moments of delight. When it is hard to learn or improve at something, they will persevere.
I don’t want them to be adults that get walked over, pushed around, or who change their beliefs with the wind.
Both of my boys are named after men in the Bible who were strong, courageous, and did really hard things. I bet when those biblical men were little, and even as they were older, they misbehaved. In fact, if we look at the men and women in the Bible that we respect, we will see their gifts gone awry even as we see God at work through them. Jonah was stubborn, his determination not to obey taking him in the completely opposite direction from where he was called, and he whined. Yet in the middle of all of that, he followed God’s directive, and with stubborn resolve he proclaimed the message he was given, helping a nation come to repentance and salvation. Remember the great apostle Paul? Before he became great, he persecuted Christians with incredible zeal. He was using the leadership skills that God had given him, but for the wrong purpose, until the Holy Spirit got a hold of his heart and transformed him into the man we respect today.Want a female example? Let’s talk about Sarah, Abraham’s wife. She had planning skills, was a defender of her family, and had strong feelings/opinions. She made a mess of things when she doubted God but God still worked through her. She was recognized for her faith by the New Testament church and her quiet and gentle spirit were upheld for us to follow.
When we are in the throes of parenting, it is so easy to focus on managing behavior and stopping them from doing all the things that are inconvenient, annoying, or sinful. Thinking about the kind of men and women that we want to raise can help us put some things in perspective. It can also encourage us in our parenting efforts. We get to help bring their gifts on track. Connected Families describes this process in four words: Motivate, Model, Practice and Praise.
Motivate your children by helping them to see why the skill or value is important. You can be creative in this by sharing about your own experiences, reading books together, commenting on the value displayed in movies you are watching, or simply dialoguing about it. Connected Families suggests the question “What would happen if…” to get them thinking through the positive or negative impact of a behavior. That can prompt creative and even funny conversation as you think through the scenarios.
Model the skill or value in your own life by sharing your own stories, letting the kids know what you are working on and how, and talk out loud about it in real time. Like, “I’m pretty frustrated right now. I want to scream but instead I am going to jump up and down three times, take a big, deep breath and then try again.” Or “Oh man, this line at the grocery store is so long. I am starting to feel really impatient. Instead, how about we tell some stories to pass the time?”
Practice the skill with your kids. A couple ideas that Connected Families suggests is using visual cues like a schedule or step-by-step guide, role play or offer do-overs. I recently bought a visual schedule from Flourishing Homes and Families to help my kids understand what was going to happen that day and decrease questions and whining. Another thing that has helped decrease whining around meal times is a meal plan that I put together. I did not want to sit down and do the work, but once I did, I was amazed at the difference it made.
Praise your children for whatever went well. Connected Families is all about celebrating successes. Sometimes we want a situation completely fixed or a behavior dramatically transformed before we acknowledge any good in our children. People feel good when they are praised, and our body naturally seeks out what makes us feel good. Affirming even the smallest changes can encourage our children’s brains to seek out more of those moments, helps our kids feel encouraged in their learning process and motivates us to keep going.
Coaching is a lifelong process. We can’t fit it all into a single conversation. Understanding, acceptance and mastery of a skill takes time. As we invest in this area with our children we let them know that we believe they are called by God and that they are capable of good things. It’s worth the effort.
There is so much more that could be said here. Check out the show notes for additional resources. I hope you join me next week for a conversation on correcting our children.
Lyssa Stoyko 