This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 76, “The Connected Families Framework–You are Loved No Matter What”, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/the-connected-families-framework-you-are-loved-no-matter-what
Welcome to part 2 of our miniseries on the Connected Families framework. Connected Families is a Christ-centered organization that empowers parents to engage with their children biblically. Their framework teaches four key messages. The first one, which was spoke about last week, tells our children, “Child, you are safe with me.”
The second message says, “Child, you are loved no matter what.” As parents, we love our children and most of us are pretty confident that our children know they are loved. Sometimes, oftentimes, there is a disconnect though between the messages that we want our children to receive and the messages they actually are receiving. This is why the foundation work inside of us is so important. When we are responding to a behavior in an angry, impatient or controlling way, we can be telling our kids “You are a problem to be solved. You are in my way. You are hopeless.” The more kids receive those messages, the more they start to believe them.
That is not what the Bible says about them, and that’s not what we want them to be hearing from us either. Christian parents want their children to grow up in the assurance that they are loved, by us and by God. We want our kids to be rooted in verses like, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). “I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ” (Ephesians 3:17-18). We want to live out what Paul says in 1 Timothy 1:5 that “the goal of our instruction is love.” Connected Families says, “Misbehavior is the golden opportunity for true unconditional love.” They go on to say, “The only way to experience unconditional love is when we have messed up.” That is what Romans 5:8 highlights God’s love was demonstrated because of what Jesus did when we were sinners.
Love is easy when our children are obedient, delightful, and helpful. Love is harder to convey and to feel when our children are disobedient, argumentative, and destructive. Next week, we are going to talk about what a child’s misbehavior says about the way God made them and the good we can call out of them. This week, we are going to talk about how to connect with our children even in the misbehavior. To do this, we ask, “what is going on inside my child?
What is driving their behaviors? What is driving the words they are saying or the attitude they are exhibiting or the feelings they are feeling? Curious parents look below the surface so they can address root issues, not merely surface behaviors.
Are there physical factors in play such as hunger, sleepiness, a lack of exercise, sensory processing challenges, trauma responses, or difficult regulating their energy levels? Those factors can prompt our brain to shift into its more primitive, survival mode. The thinking part of the brain, the executive functioning, is off line, and the child is reacting to whatever the brain is telling it to do. Just the other day, my son came barreling into the kitchen. He was a ball full of uncontrolled energy and body movement. Grabbing things, running, knocking things over. His primitive brain was in full control in response to being very hungry and very hot. His ability to think clearly was non-existent. Dr Karyn Purvis, author of The Connected Child said, “We purposefully soothe and disengage the primitive brain so it won’t bully the child into poor behavior.”
Another thing to consider is if the child is looking for connection from you but doesn’t know how to go about it appropriately. This is the idea that there are inadvertent rewards for their misbehavior that fill their connection bucket. When we react to annoying behavior with “Knock it off!” they just got a strong connection from you, though it isn’t very satisfying or long lasting. One parent shared with me how she taught her daughter to ask for a “mom snuggle” when she was starting to feel anxious or was beginning to whine. She recognized that her daughter was needing connection in that moment, and that the misbehavior was her trying to get it in an unhelpful way. This mom gave her daughter the tools necessary to get positive connection rather than negative connection. What a great parenting success! Connected Families says often, “Focus is fertilizer.” We don’t ignore misbehavior, as we will talk about in the next couple episodes, we just don’t give big intensity towards it.
Along those lines is the idea that some kids are acting out of discouragement. They have bought into the message that they are a problem or will never change or are an angry kid, and then they act out of that identity. Those messages might have come from us, or they might have come from interactions with peers or other family. Either way, they are driving the misbehavior and are a cry for love. They need us to help them capture those toxic beliefs and replace them with grace-filled truths.
Matthew 3:17 says, “You are my beloved child, with whom I am well pleased.” God spoke that over Jesus. What a beautiful thing for a father to say of his child. Think of the impact on our children if they hear and feel that from us over and over, especially during moments of misbehavior when they are expecting the worst—the shaming, the punishment, the belittling—and instead they receive unconditional love.
Anchoring ourselves in grace-filled truths about our children helps us feel affection for them even when their behaviors and attitudes make it challenging. Showing our love takes intentionality. I am dating myself here, but does anyone remember the DC Talk song, “Luv is a verb”? It is something we do as much as, or more than, something we feel. Think about 1 Corinthians 13 and the description of love: patient, kind, not envious or arrogant or proud, not self-seeking, not easily angered, always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres.
In our parenting, we can consider how to demonstrate that love to our children. A few years ago, a friend of mine told me that her parenting goal was to give each of her five daughters one hug a day. At the time, I found that goal a little odd. Doesn’t that just happen naturally? I’ve realized over the years that no, it doesn’t. The act of serving or caring sometimes takes the place of loving and connecting. We are doing all the things we are supposed to do as a mom to provide for and care for our children—the cooking, cleaning, bathing and clothing, driving, etc—but we pausing for connection. Connection is how our kids are assured of our love for them.
How do you connect with your kids? What are the moments you look back upon and smile because you know they knew you loved them?
Connected Families talked, I think in a podcast episode, about working on our face. Is our face conveying our love for our children when we look at them, talk to them, and especially when we correct them? As I listened, I thought, “Oh man. I have a lot of work to do on my face.” Far too often my face is conveying annoyance, impatience, frustration, even anger. Instead, I want to show compassion, attentiveness, adoration, and delight. And not just through my face, but my tone of voice, the words I speak, the touch of my hands.
Early on, Moms Take Ten did an episode titled, “Showing God to Our Children” that drew on a quote by Paul Tripp. He said, “In the lives of your children, you are the look of God’s face, you are the touch of his hand, and you are the tone of his voice.” What a humbling responsibility, full of so much potential for beautiful connection and gospel opportunity. We do this in the fun, easy, calm moments of our day and in the face of temper tantrums, disobedience, angry words and flying fists.
When we respond with grace to our children, showing them unconditional love despite their behavior, we are showing them Christ. Have you ever encountered Christ in the midst of your own sinfulness? It is an amazing thing. That is what I want for my children, and for yours.
Think about what you are already doing, and celebrate. Consider what you want to do more of or what you’d like to start doing, and seek God’s help. For more ideas, check out the resources in the show notes.
I want to end how Connected Families ends their parent coaching session on this message, by reading their adaptation of Romans 8:38-39 for parents. They write,
“For I am convinced that neither arguing nor defiance, neither sibling conflict nor disrespect, neither bad grades nor failure, neither whining nor lying, neither forgetfulness nor messes, nor any other misbehavior will be able to separate you from my love or God’s amazing love.”
Lyssa Stoyko 