This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 75, “The Connected Families Framework–You Are Safe With Me, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/the-connected-families-framework-you-are-safe-with-me
Throughout this podcast (on this blog), I have referenced the organization Connected Families, and we were joined by one of the founders, Lynne Jackson, for an episode in May. In this miniseries, we are going to spend four weeks learning about the four goals/messages of the Connected Families framework. There will be links in the show notes if you want to learn more, and you can also follow me on Instagram @lyssastoyko as I talk about it more on there.
The Connected Families messages build upon themselves. If you think about a pyramid, the bottom messages are bigger and are to be focused on the most, while the top messages are smaller and where we should spend the least amount of time. Message 1: Child, you are safe with me. Message 2: Child, you are loved no matter what. Message 3: Child, you are called and capable. Message 4: Child, you are responsible for your actions. Message 4 is where we talk about correction. Many times, we as parents put a lot of focus and have the most questions about correction.
Connected Families teaches a different way. Yes, they acknowledge the importance of teaching our kids to take responsibility for their actions, for holding them accountable and teaching them how to make things right. That step, however, should come after the parent has done some foundation work. As Connected Families puts it, “if I want my discipline to connect, I have business to take care of before I engage.”
So, let’s look at the foundational message of, “Child, you are safe with me.” I could spend my whole life growing in this message and still have work to do because it is about myself and managing myself. If you are like me, your parenting can feel very reactive and child-led. It is about their behaviors, their needs, their personalities, their likes and dislikes, their activities, and everything else that they present with. It can feel as though I don’t have time to take care of me or think about me. The problem is, when I parent that way, things can be a bit unstable, because my kids are a bit unstable, and my emotional responses are unstable. I’m simply reacting.
All of this can feel unsafe to my children, and kids learn best when they feel safe.
The question we ask ourselves in this foundational piece is “what’s going on in me?” As parents, it is important for us to tune into the thoughts and feelings that are driving our responses to our children. Why am I angry in this moment? Why am I calm? Why am I rushing my children? Why am I correcting them? Why am I yelling? Why am I crying? Why am I saying those words?
All of our emotions have a driving thought behind them, even the feel-good ones. Sitting at the park, watching my kids play with the sunshining on my back, I can think “I am so blessed. What a beautiful day. Thank you, God, for my kids.” Or “I have so many things I need to be doing. I’m just wasting time. I need to get back home.” Which of those thoughts is going to result in enjoyment of and positive interactions with our children?
Likewise, as we are sitting there, we can notice that our child has climbed on top of the play structure. We can think, “Oh, that’s higher than normal. Wow, he’s really growing in his climbing skills! I should make sure he’s ok.” Or “What is he thinking?! He shouldn’t be up there! Why is he always doing things like this???” Again, which of those is going to result in a positive, helpful parenting interaction and which is going to result in a battle and a hastily given consequence?
Connected Families places these different thoughts into two categories: Toxic Beliefs and Grace-filled Truths. You have heard me mention these categories before. As we learn to tune into the thoughts behind our emotions, we can take captive our toxic beliefs and intentionally replace them with grace-filled truths rooted in God’s word. Do you recognize this biblical principle? 2 Corinthians 10:5 says “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,” These toxic beliefs go against who God is and what he says in his word. We should not let the lies of our flesh, the world or of the enemy run rampant in our minds!
I have come to realize that I have so many toxic beliefs! Thoughts like, “I can’t do this anymore,” “I shouldn’t have to deal with this,” “This kid is a train-wreck,” or “If I don’t fix this now, he’ll be a terror forever” fill my mind and ruin all my good intentions as a parent. Those thoughts can only fuel angry, impatient, fearful, hopeless, anxious parenting. Those thoughts lead to yelling, powering up, criticizing, harsh correction, and more. That is not what I want for my family! And yet that is where I end up far too easily.
When I replace those with grace-filled truths, like “This is hard, but not hopeless,” “I can do this through Christ,” “God is at work in my child,” and “I don’t know the future but I know the one who does,” I am far better equipped to enter situations from a place of peace, of curiosity and gentleness. These thoughts result in a calmer voice, self-controlled body, a willingness to listen to my children, well-thought-out responses and better. Instead of raising the temperature of the room, exasperating my children, or making them feel scared and misunderstood, they feel safe.
At the end of the night, the parenting moments I feel proudest of are when I have done the work of capturing my toxic beliefs, and entered in with a grace-filled truth. Or! And this is more common. When I was able to recognize, by God’s grace, that I was in the throes of responding poorly, and was able to stop myself and make the adjustments necessary to parent safely.
We can teach ourselves to parent from grace-filled truths through practice. We are going to mess up, a lot! The more we beat ourselves up about it and the more we live in shame because of that, the more we do what we say we don’t want to do. Our negative focus on our wrong behavior is teaching our brain the very thing we want to be stopping! Likewise, focus on and practice of what we want to be doing teaches our brain a different way. Every time we catch ourselves and switch gears, we are teaching our brains what to do next time.
Connected Families talks about the “brain magic of do-overs.” Instead of saying “I’ll do better next time!” we practice. If I just yelled at my kids to stop jumping on the couch because I was frustrated and responding from the toxic belief that “I shouldn’t have to deal with this anymore,” I can stop and ask them if I can try again. “Guys, I don’t like how I did that. Can I have a do-over?” Then I can step back or step out of the room, take a breath, remind myself of a grace-filled truth like “This isn’t easy but God is working.” Then, from that place, I can enter into the situation with a new perspective and behavior. “Wow! You are having so much fun?! What is our rule about jumping on the couch?” In going through the motions of the desired behavior, I am teaching my brain what to do next time. The more we practice the more our brain learns how we want things to go.
Paul spoke of this in Romans 12:2 saying, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind”. God created us with the potential to learn and grown and change. As we practice do-overs, leaning on his strength, we are joining him in the process of sanctification, becoming more and more like him. We are not stuck. We are not trapped in our reactive parenting, though it might feel like it. In Christ, there is always hope. We can become a physically and emotionally safe person for our children as we take captive the lies running rampant and saturate our minds in the grace-filled truths of God’s word. As we do this, everything about our parenting changes.
Lyssa Stoyko 