We Need Each Other

This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 50, “We Need Each Other”, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/we-need-each-other

Last week, I had the privilege of speaking with Laura Hernandez about her foster care and adoption journey. For each episode in that series, I ask the mamas to share something they want other people to know. What Laura shared echoed what I hear from so many foster and adoptive mamas–they need support, they need friendship, they need people to come alongside them because the journey is hard.

I can relate to that, how about you? Without minimizing the very real need that exists for those in the foster and adoption world, I think all mamas need people to walk alongside them in motherhood. A while back, there was a reel going around that said something to the effect of “They say it takes a village to raise a child—so do they just show up or is there a number I can text?” It would be so nice if this automatically happened. You walk out of the hospital with your baby and five people assigned to be your tribe. Or you get your first placement and the foster agency hands you a list of the people that are going to be your village. Unfortunately, that is not what happens and building that village takes work.

I struggle with this. Just the other week, I had a really rough foster care day. The system had let me down and I was mad and hurt and disappointed. I wanted to talk about it with someone. I wanted to be heard by someone since the foster system wasn’t hearing me. I wanted empathy and encouragement. I thought about calling someone who is also a foster mom but then I started to feel bad…”She has enough on her plate, I don’t need to add my issues to it.” “I’m sure she’s busy with all the kiddos she’s taking care of. She doesn’t have time for my call.” So I didn’t call her.

Now, if the situation was reversed, I would be so glad that she called me. I would feel honored to come alongside her and I would gladly be able to empathize. Not only would it potentially help her, but it would help me to know that someone else was going through it also. We could learn from each other, support each other.

But in the moment, I forgot about all of that and I simply felt like a burden.

That’s what stops me from inviting people to a playdate (“my kids are too crazy). Or from calling a friend just to talk (“she’s busy”). Or even from sending a text.

And that is with the people I know. It is even harder for me with people I would like to form friendships with. It feels awkward, reminiscent of grade school recess, to walk up to someone and say, “Hi, want to be my friend.”

I think that we mamas let so many things come between us and friendship. Busyness, insecurity, family, convenience or lack thereof, personality quirks, differences in parenting styles, etc hold us back from engaging others. But we need each other. We are not designed to do life alone. We are designed for community with God and also with his church. We need other mamas who are going to laugh or cry with us, challenge and encourage us, or simply be present with us. We need other mamas who will step in to discipline our kids when they see them misbehaving or who will be a listening ear to the child who is struggling. We need other mamas who will pray for us and let us pray for them.

So let’s work on building that community. Let us recognize the importance and value of having others in our lives who can build us up, and who we can build up in return, and then let us be willing to put in the effort required to make that happen.

Start small–text someone a hello. Send a door dash or instacart gift card to someone who is sick, struggling, or you just want to bless. Respond to someone’s post on social media.

Maybe adjust your schedule a little bit to get to church early or stay after a few minutes to talk to the other parents dropping off and picking up their kids. Or do the same at school and take the awkward plunge of talking to the person waiting next to you for their kids. Allocate ten minutes of the kids rest time to calling a friend to say hi.

You might be rolling your eyes at me and saying, “Lyssa, these are so basic.” Ok, maybe they are, but I can’t be the only one who has a hard time actually doing them. I get in my own world and I forget to pay attention to anyone outside my three crazy children and one wonderful husband. So bear with me, because this is as much for me as it is for you. If you have already mastered these, please! Share with me how you do it!

Aim to have a playdate once or twice a month, or even once a week. Invite a family over for dinner once a month. You don’t even need to cook! Just order takeout. That’s what I’m planning on doing this month. Plan a girls night with a couple other mom friends and just chat it up without the constant interruption of kiddos. 

Join a small group or a moms group. Volunteer at church or school. Put yourself in situations that require interaction with other moms and open yourself up to the possibility of friendship.

Look for little ways that you can enter someone’s life or invite them into yours. I sat on the floor and folded a friend’s laundry one evening just so I could have the opportunity to hang out with her. It was so easy and so nice. 

If your friend is struggling, think about what you can do to lighten the load–be it prayer, a meal, watching their kids, sitting with them, taking them out to dinner, or just texting to let them know you care. Whether they are asking for it, or not. One friend of mine has left short hand written notes in my mailbox just to say that she cares or is praying. They have been such an encouragement.

And when you are struggling, text a short message asking for prayer. Make the phone call despite all the excuses running through your head of why you shouldn’t. Part of our Moms in the Bible series, episode 36, talks about how Naomi’s openness with her struggles paved the way for Ruth’s faith and for others being able to share in her eventual joy. If you haven’t listened to that episode, I hope you will, and that you will be encouraged to share yourself with those around you. 

There are so many verses about “one another” in the Bible–love one another, encourage one another, forgive one another, bear one another’s burdens, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another. We can’t do that if we aren’t willing to open ourselves up to one another. Keeping everything to ourselves not only closes us off from help and light and love, but it also takes away opportunities for our friends to have the blessing of being able to live out the one anothers of Scripture with us.

So pick one of the ideas from above, or come up with your own, to connect with someone this week.

Let’s build our village, and help it to flourish. We need each other.