This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 38, “Living in the And” which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/living-in-the-and
Living in the “And”
I had the privilege of attending the Replanted Conference for the first time a couple of weeks ago. What a special space to sit amongst fellow foster and adoptive families, sharing stories, finding encouragement, and being reminded that we are not alone. The theme of the conference was “And”. It seemed confusing at first and then became so powerful as the speakers unpacked its significance.
“And” is a word that we use to join together words or parts of sentences. Some famous “and” combinations are mac and cheese, Batman and Robin, salt and pepper. Those words just go together. I am sure you could think of many other combinations that we commonly use. The word “and”, grammatically speaking, as my sister reminded me the other day, is a conjunction.
If we were to use a different conjunction instead, for example mac but cheese, it means something completely different. We could say mac or cheese, which also carries a different meaning. The conjunction “but” is used when we are contrasting things. The conjunction “or” is used to demonstrate alternatives. The word “and” is used when things are to be taken together.
Our lives are filled with, lived in, the “and”. Some of those we like…you get to have your cake AND eat it too. We are married AND we are good friends. We are happy AND healthy. We are safe AND we are comfortable.
Sometimes though, our “ands” feel oppositional, as though they should not go together, yet in our lives they do. Grief AND joy. Hurt AND healing. Regret AND hope. We struggle to acknowledge both in our lives. It can be confusing. It can cause tension.
I was speaking with a mom the other day who shared that she was so grateful for her children and she was so weary of the responsibility of raising them. Her struggle, her worry, was that in acknowledging the weariness, she would appear ungrateful.
I have three children who have family members outside of our home, birth moms and birth dads. One who has memories of time lived with those family members. My children are a part of my family and they are a part of someone else’s. As they grow up, they will wrestle with what it means to be both. They might struggle, or worry, that if they acknowledge one family, they will hurt the other.
My father passed away a few years ago, unexpectedly, leaving us to discover what life is like without him. The Scriptures assure us that he is in glory with Jesus. What an amazing thought. Anyone who has experienced something similar can attest to the struggle over mourning their loss and wishing the other person was here, and rejoicing with them that they entered Heaven.
Person after person after person stood up at the Replanted Conference sharing their “ands”. I wish I had written them down word by word, but I did not. I’m going to paraphrase a few that I remember.
I know that we are where God wants us and I am confident that he picked the wrong people.
I am so grateful to have this child in our home and I grieve for his birth family’s loss.
I am scared for the future of my child and I am hopeful for the future of my child.
I am thankful for the family that adopted me and I mourn what I lost from my biological family.
I know who I am and I don’t know who I am.
Do you hear the tension in each of those statements? There is an element of wrestling. To only choose one part to hold on to is to live with only half of the truth. Both parts co-exist and deserve acknowledgment. Both speak of our lived realities. It is not either/or. There can be no “but”. Our lives are full of “and”.
This month, the episodes have touched on loss of various forms, and the grief that follows. They have also spoken of joy and hope.
The adoption story spoke of failed placements, the tragic death of a sweet baby boy, the discouragement, the wait, the loss for the birth families, and the joy of a baby welcomed into their home, the finalization of the adoption, and the gift of parenthood.
The episode on the journey with my son spoke of fears realized, my own insecurities, his behavior difficulties, and the hope of growth, of learning, and the recognition of his uniqueness and gifts.
The story of Naomi and Ruth spoke of loss of husbands and children, of economic security, of family and homeland, and of new faith, new friendships, of the power of shared grief and shared joy, and of God at work in our pain.
The episode on grief spoke of the many ways that we can experience loss in our lives, the impacts grief has on us, and that God is with us through it all, available to us and ready to hear whatever we have to share with him.
You see, it is the gospel that enables us to hold all of our other truths, all of our emotions, all our wrestlings honestly, knowing that God will help us navigate each of them. As believers, we can take great comfort in the “and”. We are sinners and we are saved. We are deserving of punishment and God has paid the price for us. We are not in Heaven yet and God is very present with us. We are earthen vessels and God uses us to bring glory to his name.
Oh the beauty of the “and” in light of the gospel.
One final thought as I wrap up our time here. One of the speakers, an incredibly courageous and honest birth mother, showed us a picture of three mason jars. In the first jar, there was a circle with the word “grief” written on it that filled the entire jar. In the second jar, that same circle was there, the same size as in the first jar, but this time the second jar was larger and there was room in the jar for other things. In the third jar, that same sized grief circle was there, but the jar was even larger than before, with room for even more around the grief. The grief was not gone, but as time had moved on, the person’s life grew and there was more room for other aspects of her life.
Some of our “ands” will always be equal in size and we will learn to carry them as such. Some will resolve with the passing of time or a change in situation. Some will be like that grief circle, always there, but as we learn to accept it, to live with it, our lives will grow around it, giving us space for new and different parts of our life.
I love how Jamie Finn from @fosterthefamilyblog put it, “It’s all of these and no one of these things alone…For our kids, for their families, for our own hearts, we hold–in broken and beautiful tension–all of it at once. We keep space for the sorrow. We hold onto the joy. And we cling, with our whole hearts, to the love.”
Whatever the “and” is that you are struggling to live with today, give yourself permission to acknowledge the tension, and to bring both to the feet of Jesus for his wisdom, comfort and strength.
Lyssa Stoyko 