This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 32 “Getting Out of the Crazy Cycle”, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/getting-out-of-the-crazy-cycle
After waking up from her nap one day, our foster daughter ran downstairs to get a snack. My husband had just returned from his baseball game and was standing in the kitchen. She ran up to him, gave him a big hug and said, “Mama gave me a hug and helped me calm down when I was crying.”
Ooof. Her words hit me as hard as a punch to the stomach would have. “Oh Lord,” I thought. “Help.”
You see, what happened was this. We went to the game to cheer Daddy on. When his first game ended, the kids ran on to the field to play some baseball with him. This was their time to shine and they loved batting, running and especially sliding. I finished packing up our things, knowing that as soon as they were done, we needed to head home for naps. I saw our daughter sitting outside the fence. When I asked Jonathan what was wrong he said that she was waiting to go to the bathroom. Apparently she had started yelling at him that she needed to go but then wouldn’t go with him. “Well, I’ll take her,” I said, and walked towards her.
That’s not really true. I marched towards her. She’s done this whole potty dance routine before. I was over it. Just go to the bathroom and be done with it!
She saw me coming and entered into fight mode. It just downward spiraled from there—her yelling and hitting, me speaking harshly and holding her more tightly so she wouldn’t hit me, sitting on the ground with her outside the toilet while she continued to tantrum, putting her in the car amidst much screaming, waiting for her to stop before the rest of us would get in.
Finally calm enough for the rest of us to get in the car, the boys put their buckles on while I said in a frustrated voice, “I have had enough screaming. I’m overwhelmed and I need us to be quiet on the ride home. No talking. Just listen to your story.”
Here’s the problem. When my daughter has had a breakdown, she seeks connection in order to move forward. By telling her to be quiet, I was cutting off connection and she simply could not handle that. She started softly at first, “Mama. Mama. Mama.” Then grew louder and louder until she was screaming again by the time we got home.
I could go on about the next half hour. Suffice it to say, it was not pretty. I was impatient, frustrated, angry, unkind. I was sinful.
I had told Jonathan at the baseball field that I should have just left her sitting alone by the fence and not intervened. I recognized early on that I was screwing things up. But instead of stopping or correcting myself, I just kept going in a glorious display of poor parenting leading us straight onto the crazy cycle.
I lay in my bed for naptime, because Lord knew I needed a nap too, and I finally let his voice breakthrough to my mind and my heart. I walked into her room, calmer this time, intentional, and I asked her if she needed a hug. Through her tears, she said “yes” and as I hugged her, I felt her body calm and the tension in her release. I gave her a kiss, told her I loved her, and she quietly laid down and went to sleep.
Then she told Daddy how I helped her calm down.
Her response spoke grace. She could have told Daddy about how unkind I was. She could have said I made her cry. But she chose not to. She focused on the moment that I was loving. She savored the connection.
It was gracious, and it was convicting. Our children, even our younger ones, remember our interactions with them. They pay attention. They process the interactions and make meaning from them. Their opinion of us, our beliefs, and our values are formed from their interactions with us.
What is encouraging is that one interaction does not make or break our relationship with our child. Our interactions with our children are a series of deposits and withdrawals. Had I not gone back into her bedroom, my time with my daughter would have been one very big withdrawal. Instead, she held onto the deposit that I made at the end and cherished that.
Last week, I ended the episode on Samson’s Mother by reading Psalm 103. It is a beautiful psalm that highlights many of the deposits that the Lord has and continues to make in our lives. It talks about his forgiveness, the healing he offers, how he redeems us and crowns us, that he loves us steadfastly. I encourage you to spend time reading through it this week. It is really beautiful. Verse 13 says, “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” Similarly, 1 Thessalonians 2:7 says, “But we were gentle among you, like a nursing mother taking care of her own children.” That is how we are to be with our children–compassionate and gentle.
This is the opposite of how I engaged with my daughter. Ephesians 6:4 teaches, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (NIV) Oh, did I ever exasperate her. And in doing so, I exasperated myself.
As parents, let us do what we can do to avoid the crazy cycle with our children. We cannot prevent all their tantrums, their meltdowns, their anger or disobedience. We can however do our best to ensure that their responses are not prompted by our own sinfulness. How?
I’m still figuring this out myself, but here are a couple of ideas.
Breathing and pausing before responding to a situation. Give yourself time to think and respond rather than react.
Ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?”
Then ask, “How can I be helpful and loving right now?” Those are very different questions from, “What is my child doing now?!” and “How can I make this stop?!”
Train yourself to listen for the Lord in the midst of the situation. As he spoke to me at the baseball field, so he speaks to us in the tough moments, offering guidance and wisdom. If I had paused to listen, the time would have gone very differently. This takes intentionality, but as we spoke a couple of weeks ago, we want to be intentional parents, right?
When we do sin, we can be quick to confess our sin to our children and the Lord, and quick to seek their forgiveness. Many times we will discover that they are eager to forgive, eager to reconnect and move on with our day together. Even when they are not ready, we are still responsible for doing what we can to repair the relationship and trusting God to bring healing and wholeness to our family.
Oh Lord, thank you that you do not deal with us according to our sins, or repay us according to our iniquities. Thank you that instead you are compassionate and gentle towards us. Please help us to do the same with our children. Please stop us when we are adding to, or creating the, chaos. Let our home be a place of love, of peace, and of unity. Amen.
Lyssa Stoyko 