Foster Care and Attachment

This post is from Moms Take Ten episode 5, “Foster Care and Attachment”, which you can listen to wherever you listen to podcasts or at https://sites.libsyn.com/403493/foster-care-and-attachment

This is our first blog post (episode) on foster care and adoption. As a foster and adoptive mom myself, I think these conversations are really valuable. If you are not a foster or adoptive mom, please stick! These conversations are opportunities for you to learn about the people in your life who do foster or have adopted, or to help you as you consider those options. Also, foster and adoptive parenting is still parenting so there will be overlap with some of the things you are going through as well.

Our journey in the foster and adoptive world started in 2014, when my husband Jonathan and I became host parents with an organization called Safe Families for Children. That is a faith-based organization providing a church-alternative to foster care. The host families are volunteers. The placing parents are doing so voluntarily. Every once in a while DCFS is involved when are in the early stages of evaluation and allow parents to utilize Safe Families as an opportunity to begin to stabilize without losing custody. Placements can be anywhere from a day to several months to a year. Short-term is the goal. It is a great option for people with limited or no support and who need help. Placing parents might simply have a job interview or job training that they need to attend, or a doctor’s appointment or surgery to have done. Other placing parents might be facing the bigger needs of homelessness, domestic violence or substance abuse. Safe Families gives parents an opportunity to have their child safely cared for while they work on building a more stable home. It is a wonderful way to love on children and families in the name of our Lord Jesus. 

That is how we began our journey. We wanted our home to be used well for children. We felt like we had the resources and the relationship with each other to be able to bring someone else in. We were in the early stages of trying to have children ourselves and we just didn’t want to wait for our house to be used. So we decided to jump in. We were definitely called by the Lord to do this but we also started quite naively. Our first placement was a ten-year-old boy and that was a huge learning curve!! Since then, we have had about seven other placements through Safe Families, and then one placement came back through foster care. 

Something that I have heard often when I tell people that story, and I know other foster parents have encountered this as well, is the response of “Wow! That’s so amazing that you do that. You guys must be such special people. I could never foster, though, because I would get too attached.” That is such an interesting response. I think it is a fear response, which I get. Foster care is scary to think about, and it is hard to say goodbye. However, I think that the people who would get “too attached” or attached at all, are the people who are great for foster care.

These children, just like biological children, have a great need for attachment, connection and love from those in their lives. Some of these kiddos coming in through Safe Families or Foster Care, actually do have that connection and love at home but their families just cannot provide for them for some reason. Some don’t. Whether they do or they don’t at their home of origin, they absolutely need love and connection and attachment when they enter a stranger’s home. They are having to adjust to a stranger’s rules, personality, even a stranger’s food and that is hard to do. Their lives have been put into a state of upheaval and they NEED people who will attach to them. They need to be shown the love and grace that the Lord shows us, and that we seek to show our biological kids.

So, if that is an area of concern for you, I would actually encourage you to consider fostering or Safe Families because that is what is needed.

What I don’t think is talked about a lot, at least for me, is the flip side of this. What if a child enters your home and it is really difficult to attach to them? This could be due to a personality conflict or their behaviors that throw your home in a state of upheaval or make it hard for you to get close. They might hold you at a distance from their past trauma or their lack of trust towards the adults in their lives. What then? This makes it so much harder to do the work that you are called to as a host parent.

This is something that I have had to wrestle with. Some placements have been easier than others. Some have been really challenging for me. 

What I was thinking about the other day is the reminder that the child is in my home by the grace of the Lord for ME. Not just for the child, but to me and to my family. When a child enters our home, the Lord is gifting us the opportunity to get to know this child and their family, and be his look and touch and tone to them. That is an awesome responsibility, and an incredible gift. 

When we are having a hard time attaching, what can we do?

Adjust our perspective: This child is not a chore or a burden but a gift.

Adjust our expectation: Do not expect them to be perfect or to be somebody they are not but give them space for the transition, to be childish, to sin because we know that they are sinners.

Seek the good: Looking for what you can hold on to that you can champion in the child. Asking questions like: How have they stretched and grown me? How have they stretched and grown in themselves? How do I see them being a blessing? How do I see the goodness of God in them? Where can I find it? Is it in a quick two-second smile, a small interaction or a bigger display of growth. The Lord has created them and therefore there is beauty in that child. So seek it out!

Practice gratitude: Practice being thankful for having that child in our life and for the Lord gifting us with that relationship. Being thankful for what the Lord is doing in that child’s life even though it is a sacrifice for us. Being thankful for what the Lord is doing in my life even though it is hard and we don’t want to go through it. Practicing gratitude as it relates to that child invites the Lord to change our heart, our perspective and to see the child as the Lord sees them. 

This helps us love the child well and to help them feel they are part of our home for as long as they are here. Doing this, helps us start to thrive instead of simply surviving.

Today, go look at your kiddos. Call out the good. Thank the Lord for them. Set your heart, your gaze, your focus on loving them well.